What follows is an expanded excerpt from a recent email I sent to a parent, to give you both an inside glimpse into the world of executive function coaching, and how this work can support parents as much as their kids!
Your son is doing so well! We’ve been tackling how he approaches his homework – giving him a way to better track and prioritize his assignments – through a google doc “planner”, chunking his larger assignments using goblin.tools, and creating an after school plan that helps him feel more focused and energized (snack & short down-time followed by homework – staying away from his bed and choosing his screen time wisely). He’s engaging in the process beautifully and I’m happy to see that he’s feeling satisfied and excited by our progress.
Meanwhile, this week I asked how your son prefers to be supported by YOU, his parents! And no surprise, he responded as most of my students do. He like when you check in with him to see how he’s doing, but he prefers if you don’t step in to help without his request.
Many parents get nervous at times and can’t help but pester, prod, and infuse some concern into their kids, but it often just results in resistance or annoyance.
When you do feel the pull to get involved, here’s what to try instead. First, check in with yourself to identify the level of fear you are feeling.
- Is there something you can do to assuage your own fear before you leak it onto your child?
- Do you have a sensory calming tool to use?
- A mantra to remind yourself that your kid is ok and you’ll get through tough times together?
- A partner or friend to reassure you?
Once you’ve dialed down your fear to the level of AT LEAST AS MUCH trust and confidence you have in your child, then you can truly be helpful. Here are a few sample scripts to try:
- “Hey, I’ve noticed that you said you have a big project due tomorrow and you’ve been busy with other things today. Are you having any trouble getting started? Would you like some help brainstorming on what’s got you stuck?”
- “Just checking in to see if you have any challenges with your work today that you’d like a sounding board to trouble-shoot?”
- “Hey, just wanted to let you know that I have the next twenty minutes free. Wanna talk through what you’re working on today to see if there’s anything you might want my help with?”
All of these examples are offering support, saying you’re available, and what you’re available for, but very much leaving the ball in his court to say if your child would or wouldn’t like the help. The more your child and I work together, the more cognizent they will become of when they are actually stuck and could use some help. And the more you make relaxed, trusting offers with no strings attached, the more likely they’ll be (over time) to accept your help.
Moreover, by approaching your child with trust, they learn invaluable lessons:
- I must be capable of doing hard things, because the people who know me the best believe in me.
- Help is good, accessible, something I can ask for, accept, or decline.
- I can be honest with myself and others about my experience without fear of shame, pressure or overwhelming guilt