Teenagers are more than just older kids. They’re wired for risk, primed for passion, and hungry for autonomy. According to Dr. Dan Siegel’s Brainstorm, the adolescent brain is under massive reconstruction. The prefrontal cortex (home of planning, impulse control, and empathy) is still developing, while the emotional and reward centers are on overdrive. This means teens feel things more intensely, respond more impulsively, and crave meaningful independence. They are wired to push pack against authority (because of a biological drive to differentiate), but they are also more capable of reason, mutual understanding, and complex thought than ever before.
It will be tempting sometimes to “poke the lizard” – as Dr. Siegel likes to say – by engaging in a power struggle – getting triggered by their language or behavior and letting anger hijack both of your brains. Do your best to hold off on boundary-setting conversations until you are both calm.
As long as their emotions, drives for autonomy, and reward centers are not threatened, teens are much more capable of taking others’ needs into consideration. They benefit from a highly collaborative approach, and as long as you model respect and empathy for them, they will lean toward giving the same to you. All of this strengthens the development of their prefrontal cortex.
So, instead of control, think collaboration.
Try this:
ALWAYS ask for consent before starting a conversation, and state your intentions. Make sure you time your request well – are the two of you feeling connected and relaxed? Make sure you are heading into the conversation with as little agenda as possible, other than your clearly stated intention:
“Hey I’d like to talk soon about homework and sleep. I want to hear how your schedule is impacting you and see if you want to try something new. Is now a good time or would you like to plan for a time later to talk?”
State your concern clearly, calmly, and with specificity. Avoid lectures—aim for clarity over control.
“I noticed the last few days that you didn’t start your homework until 9pm, and I’m concerned that you’re not getting enough sleep to function well the next day.”
“The last few mornings, I’ve woken you up and you haven’t been ready for school by the time we need to leave. I’m concerned that you aren’t getting to bed early enough to get out the door on time in the morning.”
Ask for their perspective. Gather information. Listen with an open mind. Remember that you’re helping them learn to make thoughtful decisions on their own. This invites ownership and is the #1 tool in my toolbelt as a teen coach.
“How do you feel about how much sleep you are getting and how your mornings are going?”
“What are your afternoon, evening, and sleep preferences & needs?”
“How do you feel about the way your homework is getting done?”
“What do you think you need in order to get out the door on time in the morning?”
“How would you like your schedule and habits to shift?”
“What support would you like from me to help you create new habits?”
Help them brainstorm and troubleshoot pitfalls in a potential plan making sure to always hear their ideas first, and ask if they’d like to hear yours. Make requests, not demands.
“I hear that you need a long break after school and before your homework, and that you want time to chat with your friends. And that you also want your homework to get done earlier. I have a couple ideas you could try – would you like to hear them?”
“That still sounds like you’re cutting it really close in the morning. What if you need more time to gather your things for school than that? Would you be willing to wake up 15 minutes earlier so you have more of a buffer?”
Come up with a plan together for the new boundary to be “enforced”. Continue to work collaboratively.
“OK, what should we do if you still don’t get up in time?”
“What do you think I should do if I see you on your phone at 8pm and you stil haven’t started your homework?”
“How will we know if you aren’t able to follow through with this plan on your own?”
When teens feel respected, they’re more likely to respect the rules and the relationship. And even more importantly, you’re supporting their neural pathways for self-regulation, reasoning, and collaborative problem solving.