If you’ve ever wondered why your child melts down over the “wrong” color cup or why your teen shuts down instead of talking things through, you’re witnessing the developing (or struggling) skill of self-regulation in action.
I have a child with a nervous system disorder who looks like he’s falling asleep when his threat response is triggered. If you are anything like how I was, you might mistake this behavior for manipulation, or exaggerated responses to elicit a response from me. It looked so dramatic, I couldn’t believe it was real. So whether our kids are shutting down, acting out, or running away (something else my son did), we might be witnessing a nervous system that’s overwhelmed and can’t get itself back on track.
Another mistake we make as parents is to believe that our kids need to “toughen up” to learn how to self-regulate. “Cry it out”, “time-outs”, “buck up”, etc… all come from the erroneous idea that our kids need pressure in order to cultivate self-regulation, and that our coddling produces weak, dependent, neurotic kids. Ample research from Porges, Bowlby, Ainsworth, Feldman, Tronick, and many more have shown over and over again that kids develop resilience and self-regulation skills in the consistent presence of a loving caregiver.
We now know that self-regulation, or the ability to manage emotions, behaviors, and impulses, doesn’t come pre-installed at birth. What is wired in from the start is the threat response system, or the circuitry that helps babies cry for help, toddlers scream in frustration, and teens withdraw or lash out when overwhelmed.
But for kids to develop true self-regulation (the ability to pause, think, and choose a response) they need more than just time to mature. They need healthy attachment and co-regulation with calm, responsive adults. Let’s explore the science behind it and how you can help.
Polyvagal Theory: The Science of Feeling Safe
Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory explains how the nervous system shifts between three states:
- Safety & Connection (Ventral Vagal State): When kids feel safe, their nervous system supports learning, curiosity, and social engagement. This is where self-regulation happens.
- Fight-or-Flight (Sympathetic State): When kids perceive stress or threat, their body floods with adrenaline. This looks like tantrums, defiance, or hyperactivity.
- Shutdown (Dorsal Vagal State): If stress is too overwhelming or prolonged, the nervous system conserves energy by shutting down. Kids may seem withdrawn, sleepy, spaced out, or overly compliant.
Children come in with their own unique template for these three states – tendencies that can be reinforced – or not. We can help create more pathways for our children to move into, and stay in ventral vagal states more often. For a child to move from dysregulation (fight, flight, or shutdown) to a calm, regulated state, they first need to feel safe, and safety comes from connection. This is why co-regulation, the process of a calm adult helping a child regulate, is so powerful.
Helping Kids Develop Self-Regulation at Different Ages
Toddlers (Ages 1-3): Co-Regulation Through Presence
At this stage, emotions are big, fast, and messy. The best way to help toddlers is not through logic, but through presence and predictability.
- Get down at their level, offer a soothing tone and gentle touch to calm their nervous system.
- Name their feelings: “I see you’re so frustrated that the block tower fell. That’s really hard.”
- Model deep breaths but don’t force them—your regulated energy is what they absorb.
Older Kids (Ages 4-10): Building Awareness & Skills
As kids develop more language and reasoning skills, they can begin to notice their emotions and practice simple regulation techniques.
- Use playful strategies like “Can you blow up a balloon with your belly?” (deep breathing) or “Let’s shake out the grumpies!” (movement).
- Teach the pause: “Before we do something about this, let’s take a big breath.”
- Provide structure and predictability—routine helps regulate the nervous system.
- Don’t be afraid to use techniques aimed at younger kids if your child responds well. When all else failed with my son, foot massages would calm him down.
Teens (Ages 11+): Encouraging Ownership of Regulation
Adolescents are still developing their prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for impulse control), so expect ups and downs.
- Teach body-awareness cues: Help them recognize what stress feels like in their body before it escalates.
- Encourage movement—exercise is one of the best ways to regulate emotions.
- Model self-reflection: “I noticed I was getting frustrated earlier, so I took a break before we kept talking.” I do this more than anything with my now 17 year old. And I help him reflect on what happens for him as well.
What about Oppositional or Defiant Kids?
I want to name that there are circumstances in which co-regulation does NOT universally support your kid’s developing nervous system. If you and your child or teen find yourself in a dynamic in which they are physically or verbally aggressive toward you, your co-regulation isn’t going to work, and might be unsafe. There is an entirely different recommended protocol in this case, outlined by Paul Sunseri, in which you step away in order to let your child calm down before returning to interacting with you. Needless to say, the full approach benefits from skilled support. So if you find that your child is much more dysregulated with YOU than in other circumstances, and you’re facing regular verbal and/or physical aggression, please seek support!
Parents: Your Self-Regulation Matters Most
Here’s the truth: Kids can’t regulate unless we do. If we’re stressed, reactive, or constantly overwhelmed, their nervous system picks up on it. The best thing we can do is work on our own self-regulation first.
Quick Parent Self-Regulation Tips
- Pause before reacting – Take a deep breath or count to five before responding to your child.
- Ground yourself – Press your feet into the floor, relax your jaw, and take a slow exhale.
- Move your body – Stretch, take a short walk, or shake out tension when you feel dysregulated. I take daily walks both when I feel dysregulated, but also as a preventative measure.
- Use repair when needed – If you lose your cool, model self-regulation by saying, “I was feeling overwhelmed, and I snapped. I’m sorry. Let’s try again.” I have learned to never hold back from apologizing to my kids. It is an incredible teaching moment and strengthens our connection.
When you focus on co-regulation first, your child will eventually internalize those skills and develop true self-regulation. It’s not about being a perfect parent—it’s about being a regulated one.
What self-regulation strategies work best for your family? Let’s keep the conversation going in the comments! And if you would like more tools for self-regulation or you struggle with co-regulating with your kids, please schedule a chat with me. I’d love to help!