Every parent wants to raise strong, kind, and resilient children who grow into adults who know their worth, navigate challenges with confidence, and form healthy relationships. But what does it really take to foster this kind of security and independence?
There is considerable debate about this topic, ranging from tough love inspiring grit, to the gentlest of helicoptor parenting which fears the lasting scars of any childhood struggle. Likely, where you fall on the continuim of permissive to authoritarian parenting determines how you see children developing resilience. I want to posit that there is quite a bit of wiggle room for parents to navigate. And, at the same time, at the heart of it all is a singular, foundational principle: connection.
Kids don’t thrive because they’re constantly corrected, disciplined, or pushed to be “better.” They also don’t thrive without direction, boundaries, and consequences for inappropriate behavior. Truly, they thrive because they feel deeply seen, loved, and valued, especially in the small, everyday moments. If you can master this, the rest becomes so much easier to navigate.
The Power of a Loving Gaze
One of the most powerful ways to nurture security in a child is through what psychologist Daniel Stern calls the “loving gaze.” When a caregiver looks at their child with warmth, delight, and genuine interest, it sends a powerful message:
You are wanted here.
You are worthy of love, just as you are.
I see you, and I cherish what I see.
When kids frequently receive this kind of attuned attention, it becomes an anchor for their self-worth. They internalize the feeling of being loved without conditions, not just when they behave well, achieve something, or meet expectations. This becomes the foundation for their self-concept, their confidence, and their ability to face challenges with grace.
Try This: The next time your child enters the room, pause what you’re doing and let your face light up when you see them.
Play: The Language of Connection
Play is more than just entertainment—it’s how kids bond, explore emotions, communicate, learn, and feel close to their caregivers. A child who gets to play freely with a parent feels emotionally safe in ways words can’t always convey.
Try This: Many parents struggle with playing with their kids for a variety of reasons. Expand you idea of play and look for opportunities to let loose with your kids, enter their imaginary world, or create something together. Here are some ideas:
Chase them around the house. Get silly with a ridiculous dance-off or karaoke. Be with them and let them lead in whatever way they desire. Just follow. Build, create, and imagine alongside them. Play a board game, video game, charades.
Tell stories – made up stories, written stories, ones from your childhood, etc…
When you engage in play, your child registers: My parent enjoys being with me. I matter.
Affection: The Nervous System’s Reset Button
Physical affection regulates a child’s nervous system and reinforces emotional security. Studies show that consistent affection in childhood is linked to lower stress, better emotional resilience, and stronger self-esteem in adulthood.
Try This: Find small ways to increase affectionate touch throughout the day—an arm squeeze during breakfast, a forehead kiss at bedtime, a reassuring hand on their shoulder when they’re struggling. Pay attention to their responses so you can adjust your level of affection to their preferences, or what they can receive.
Filling Their Emotional Cup
Kids inevitably experience frustration, disappointment, and moments of disconnection. That’s part of life. But when their “emotional cup” is regularly filled with love, laughter, and warmth, those hard moments don’t shake them as much.
They need frequent reminders—not just in words, but in actions—that they are deeply loved, even on the messy, imperfect days.
How to Fill Your Child’s Emotional Cup Daily:
Offer small, consistent moments of connection (a shared joke, a knowing glance, a gentle touch).
Balance correction with affection (before and after a tough moment, remind them they’re loved no matter what).
Create rituals of closeness (reading together, bedtime snuggles, weekly family traditions).
Listen with your full attention (even when they ramble about their favorite video game for 10 minutes).
Security Leads to Independence
Many parents fear that too much connection will make kids clingy or dependent. But the opposite is true: when kids feel deeply loved, seen, and safe, they develop the confidence to explore, take risks, and grow into secure, independent adults. There may be reason to be concerned with excessively sheltering your kids from risk, but there is no risk from offering love consistently and abundantly to your kids.
A child who knows, “I am loved no matter what,” doesn’t have to seek constant external validation. They don’t need to prove their worth or shrink themselves to fit in. Instead, they step into the world with a solid sense of who they are—because they were first fully seen and loved at home.
Final Thoughts
The best thing you can give your child isn’t a perfect childhood. It’s the feeling of being deeply cherished—even on the hard days, even when they’re struggling, even when life gets chaotic.
So today, try this:
Look at them with love.
Play, even for just five minutes.
Find a small way to show affection.
Remind them, in some way, “I love you just as you are.”
These simple acts, repeated again and again, are what build the foundation for a lifetime of emotional security. And that’s what kids need most.
What’s one small way you connect with your child each day? Drop a comment below! 